Air B&B: Airport Edition

Ho there, weary traveller! Are you looking for a once-in-a-lifetime (1) accommodation experience? Well then: rest your tired feet and feast your eyes on this exclusive offer!

Are you tired of comfortable hostel beds? Do you ever find yourself staring around your 40-bed mixed dorm somewhere in Eastern Europe and thinking, "I am not surrounded by NEARLY enough complete strangers right now"? Do you hate sleep? Ha ha ha, friend! So do we all! I personally haven't slept in days! Days! If you're sleeping, how can you be making precious travel memories!? (2) If you answered "yes" to any or all of those questions, then I have but one more query for you: have you ever tried sleeping on an airport floor? Wait- no? Seriously? What's wrong with you? I thought you wanted excitement! I thought you wanted to be regarded as a cool Aragorn-esque solo adventurer! Oh, you do? Well then, buckle up, kiddos, it's about to get real adventurous up in here. This ain't no Cozy 1 Bedroom-Safety Guaranteed-Welcoming Host Air B&B bullshit. This here's for real backpackers. Read on.

Picture this: you arrive at the airport, hopes and dreams strapped in place as firmly as the pack on your back. It's 2:00AM, because Past You was a dumbass and booked a 6:00AM flight to Florence because it was 15 Euros cheaper and damnit, you're a smart financial traveller; you haven't slept more than 5 hours in the last day and a half because YOLO YOU'RE IN EUROPE PARTY URRDAY; and- hey! You have, like, two hours before your check-in! Why not grab some shuteye? You peer sleepily around the unfamiliar, definitely disease-ridden hall and notice all the other bleary-eyed travellers attempting to sleep. But alas- they're wedged into uncomfortable chairs. Fools! Don't they see how much more room they'd have if they spread out on the floor? So much! So much more room!

You spot a patch of floor and an empty bench at the opposite end of the hall. On further inspection, there's no garbage in the immediate vicinity, there's a vending machine five feet away, and- oh, that suspicious-looking stain? Nothing to worry about. It's probably just coffee. (3)  It's...it's perfect. Welcome, friend. Welcome to Casa Del Airport. We've been expecting you.

You plunk yourself down on the ground in front of the bench, grab your trusty ground pad out of your backpack and begin to blow it up. You notice that several people sitting nearby begin to stare at you as you do this, but don't worry- they're just jealous you nabbed such a fine piece of real estate while they relegated themselves to basic bitch chairs. They made their choice. Ignore them. Your ground pad inflated in all of its bright orange glory, you lay it down reverently, avoiding the suspicious coffee stain, and prop your backpack at its head to use as an ingenious pillow. It might not be "comfortable" like those hostel pillows you could be using right now if you had just paid the goddamn 15 extra euros, Blackwood, but you're a solo backpacker- comfortable isn't in your vocabulary. You know what is? Badassery. That's front and center in that book. That's the title of that book. 

You make sure all your belongings are safely zipped up and/or tied together and in contact with your body at all times in case thieves attack. The people nearby are now shaking their heads or chuckling in disdain. Repeat after me: they do not matter. You are Aragorn; they are, like, Denethor. Ugh.  

You settle in for your glorious two hour nap.

Your eyes close.

The chatter of fellow travellers and the clatter of suitcase wheels on tile slowly becomes the lullabye to your airport slumber.

Your mind slows.

And then...

Is that a BANDSAW?!

Why yes, traveller, it is! Just as you feel yourself drifting off, airport staff will suddenly decide they need to perform emergency bandsaw work on a nearby piece of seemingly-random metal equipment! Sparks will fly! Literally! 20 feet away from your bed! You might actually catch on fire!

This is but ONE of the incredible experiences Airport B&B offers during your stay here. A brief list of other potential exciting additions, based on airport location/time of day/deus ex machina, includes:

  • A creepy old man who keeps walking by you and leering. I see you, buddy. Just try something. I dare you. I swear to god. 
  • Police officers with machine guns who throw you irritated glances, but obviously don't regard you as enough of a threat to do anything about (4).
  • Children nearly running you over as they race their parents' suitcases up and down the hallways, screaming at the top of their little child-sized lungs. The parents will not care. The parents are wishing they never brought their children to an airport in the first place. The parents are secretly drinking.
  • A fun old lady who steps over (see: on) your prone body to sit on the bench you're lying in front of. She will not say anything. She will just glare at you for having the audacity to sleep in front of the bench she wanted to sit on; of Her Personal Bench Throne, despite the existence of several other similar benches nearby not currently occupied by a sleeping backpacker. You will contemplate faking really disgusting snoring to scare her away. 

Nearby Amenities:

As previously mentioned, you will be right next door to a vending machine! How convenient! Food and water at your fingertips! Please note: It will be out of order. Perhaps it was never in order. Only Jesus knows. 

You'll find several public washrooms that staff will swear are "Just down the hall, please follow the signs". If "Follow the signs" means "We put these signs up at ludicrously random places to laugh at confused travellers who might pee themselves before they find the two tiny stalls wedged in behind Costa Coffee. One of them is out of order. God we have such fun."

Duty Free Booze- oh. That's after you check in. Sorry, got excited there. Lie back down. Put away your wallet. Think about your life choices. 

Children/Pets:

Pets? Are you kidding? We love animals here at the airport! In fact, you'll get up close and personal with a lot of them. Dogs will come up and sniff you (pray they don't pee)! Hope you like being barked at, because that will absolutely happen too! Small children will laugh at you! Resist the urge to punch them! Resist, for the love of god!

Reviews:

"I was checking my Gucci luggage into first class when I spotted this haggard-looking woman lying on the floor! The floor! Don't they have security to make sure I don't have to look at that? Negative 5 stars!" - Terrible Rich Woman Who Hates Adventure But Loves Being Terrible

"Look, buddy, I got more important things to worry about than a homeless orphan vagrant sleeping on a freakin' mat under a bench. Is she a terrorist? No? Is she my ex-wife? No? Then fuck off." - Security Guard

"Is she okay? She looks like she hasn't showered in days. Is she alive? Should I call someone? Wait- maybe she's just being fiscally responsible!" - Concerned Mother

Price:

Possibly your soul. Absolutely your dignity. Most likely your ego and sense of self-preservation, if you had those things to begin with- and let's be honest, you made the choice to sleep on the floor of a foreign airport- you probably didn't. It's okay. This is a safe space. Now, let's talk about sliding scale payments. 

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1) *Air B&B cannot comment on whether this is due the fact that once you attempt this, you will never, ever be dumb enough do it again. Please contact original poster directly for further inquiries of that nature.

2) This message was brought to you by amphetamines.

3) It was not coffee. It was absolutely dried blood. #travellife #blessed

4) It's like they don't even know you're packin' a sweet Swiss Army Knife. Oh boy, if they did. There's like, at LEAST five potential, slightly dull weapons in that thing. You're practically Rambo. 

 

Behold your future bed, in all its glory. Not pictured: the Suspicious Blood Stain. I didn't want you all to have to see that. I care about you, friends. I care about you because you just spent the last five minutes reading the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.    PS this entire post is 100% true. Except the Eastern Europe part. I just thought it sounded funny in context. I don't go to Eastern Europe because that's where Hostel was filmed. I mentioned that in an earlier post. This was a trick, to see if you were paying attention. 

Behold your future bed, in all its glory. Not pictured: the Suspicious Blood Stain. I didn't want you all to have to see that. I care about you, friends. I care about you because you just spent the last five minutes reading the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.  

PS this entire post is 100% true. Except the Eastern Europe part. I just thought it sounded funny in context. I don't go to Eastern Europe because that's where Hostel was filmed. I mentioned that in an earlier post. This was a trick, to see if you were paying attention.